i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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