I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
