I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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