he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
