OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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