I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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