Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
