I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You need a sexual gate keeper
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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