The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
