Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
