There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
