I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
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Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
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Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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