i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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