yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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