dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
