im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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