The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think my fart just growled at me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
