You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
