You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
her facebook's as public as her vagina
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
