A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
