I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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