Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
