I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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