i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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