You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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