I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
