1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
