I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He better not be in your backpack
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
