Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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