He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
