Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
