haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
