Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
