i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
