she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
