hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
