do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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