i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I look better un-naked...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
