when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
