didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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