i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize