hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
