Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
