i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
