I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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