Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
