Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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