I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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