There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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