Too much gin, very little bucket
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
