After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
