if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
