I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
