Little spoons don't ask big questions
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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